Nach einer Initiative mit einigen wenigen Vorgaben von Frau Offenschreiben
Die deutsche Version findet ihr HIER. Achtung, grober Unsinn!
… After an initiative and a few input-requirements by Ms Offenschreiben
… Beware of fiddle-faddle, flimflam, humbug and flapdoodle! (I must say, the anglophones have more fun … 😉 )
An odd couple
Since six months, Karsten and Stig are sharing a small three room apartment in Hamburg, in a street called „Lange Reihe“ (long row), behind the main railroad station. It is not the best of areas, but cheap. It is actually Karsten’s flat, as his name is figuring on the rental contract. But, six months ago he had put an ad in the papers searching for a flat mate to save some money, as he is a student. A student of theology. He wants to be a parson and deliver God’s word to mankind. He might not be the only theologist with that plan, but he feels especially called. The fact is that God has talked to him and has given him the task to teach mankind how to better themselves.
Karsten thinks that he made a good bargain with Stig, a Swedish, relatively young business man. They only meet at breakfast and have coffee together, share the morning paper, and then they go their separate ways. Stig is often on duty travel for several days, so that Karsten has the flat to himself and can practise his future sermons aloud. The tone is important, insistent, urging, but not condescending, more in the style of „we are all sinners, nobody of us is worthy“. Karsten thinks that this would go down well.
Stig does not know about the grand plans, which Karsten worked out for mankind. Their communication at the breakfast table is sparse. They lift their coffee cups and look at each other over the rim of the newspaper, that’s it.
Everything could be sunshine and roses, if it wasn’t for their impertinent neighbour. She is young and quite pretty, and, as Karsten thinks, shows too much interest in the two young men, almost shameless. Every time she meets one of them she asks, if Karsten and Stig are gay, a couple that is. Stig just looks at her in a cool way and ignores her, but Karsten finds this behaviour outrageous and protests vehemently. But he only achieves that the cheeky person requests him to prove that he is heterosexual. Infamous jezebel!
The infamous jezebel is called Alexandra, is tall and slim and blessed with a great head of black curly hair. Pair that with a pale complexion and dark blue eyes, and you get a perfect Celtic beauty. It annoys her excessively that none of the two young men gets hooked. Both of them are good looking – each in his own way. Karsten has the air of a poet. He looks as if he is never here and now present, but always drifting on some cloud. Except when he scolds her, of course. He has delicate features and brown, wavy hair and is maybe just a little bit too thin.
Stig, the cool one, is a more manly type, maybe comparable to Jean-Claude Vandamme. But he is completely unapproachable. Alexandra has not seen any of them with a woman ever, therefore the suspicion of homosexuality.
Alexandra works as a waitress at a restaurant at Lange Reihe. That is not her dream job, but she is still young, just twenty, and still has to think about, what she actually wants to do with her life. At the moment she uses her free time to stalk Stig and Karsten. This is slowly developing into a real obsession.
She has already followed them both many times. Karsten’s day is boring. He goes to university, shopping and to the laundromat. Nothing else seems to take place in his life. Stig is a different case. He always succeeds to „lose“ her in no time, as if he knows that she is following him. Therefore, she still does not know, where he is going and with whom he is meeting.
But, one morning another possibility presents itself. Alexandra is just passing Karsten and Stig’s flat – they live one floor below her – when she notices that their entrance door is not completely closed. She cannot resist and opens the door carefully, so that she can take a peek. Somewhere inside somebody is reciting a poem or something similar, she cannot make out the words, but the tone is somewhat pompous. She sneaks into the hallway of the flat and sees Karsten, who is walking up and down the kitchen floor, an egg in one hand, with the other gesticulating with a spoon, talking to himself. Now she can hear the repeated mention of „God“, „Jesus Christ“ and „us poor sinners“. Dear me, Alexandra thinks, what is ailing him. Curiosity makes her open the first door to the right. This must be Karsten’s room. There are books galore on all formerly empty spaces. The titles speak for Christian literature. That’s why he is so uptight, she thinks.
She tries the door to the left. This room looks rather bare. No books, no pictures, no posters, nothing personal whatsoever. More curious than ever, she enters the room and looks into all the drawers one by one, but with the exception of clothing, she cannot find anything that could tell her something about Stig. She looks under the bed. There is a flat box; what is that, an electric guitar? She pulls the box out from under bed. No, this is too slim, not a guitar. She opens the box … and closes it again immediately. Has she seen correctly? She opens the lid one more time: it is true, in the box is a gun; a gun like hitmen use them in gangster movies with all kinds of spare parts to screw on like silencer and such. Alexandra cannot take her eyes of the gun. A Messiah and a hitman, what a pair, she thinks.
At that precise moment, the door opens and Stig enters the room. Alexandrea cries out, closes the box and pushes it under the bed. But Stig has seen what she was doing. The shouting alarms Karsten, who storms into the room, only to see how Stig is doing his best to choke Alexandra. Karsten breaks out into a loud lament about the sins of mankind and begs God for mercy for Alexandra and Stig’s black soul. Stig is so astounded that he loosens his grip around Alexandra’s neck, who with great presence of mind kicks him into the privates with her knee and tears herself free, while Stig is doubling up with pain. Alexandra starts to shout „help, murder“, while Karsten continues his lament. All this commotion attracts more neighbours, some of them doormen in the red light area, who throw themselves on Stig. Somebody calls the police. Stig is arrested, and Karsten and Alexandra are also requested to follow the police officers to the station to give their statements.
Before they are led into separate interrogation rooms, Alexandra manages to whisper to Karsten „my hero, tonight I will reward you“. This triggers another lament about the sinful state of mankind. The policeman, who is supposed to interrogate Karsten, is tearing his hair …